I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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