I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
True strength comes from lack of pants
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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