You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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