I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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