I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
