This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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