can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
