I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
a search helicopter?!
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
