fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
