His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
