i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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