Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
