what day is it and did you see me today?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
