So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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