dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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