I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
