matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Randomize
