please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
