she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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