I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
