I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
