You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
