MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
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I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
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Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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