Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
