i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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