Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
