I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
