The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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