grandma shit on top of the toilet
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
