mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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