i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
