The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
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Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
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Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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