Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
