Four minutes until I can fart!
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
