I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
