At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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