two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
