Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
