I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
