meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
