Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
