I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
