May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
