I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize