Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
