oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
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