She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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