you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
