I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
