i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
