I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
