So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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