I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Someone came in the potted fern
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
