was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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