well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I wish there were birth control emojis
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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