im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
