A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
