I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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